I did something pretty tough yesterday–I left both Delphi and CFFN. Truthfully, leaving CFFN wasn’t that difficult. While I have learned a good deal and still feel it is an excellent course, I felt that it was really lacking something for me. The only reason I was sticking it out was because I felt that I should. I felt that I needed the proof that I know what I know, which would come from finishing this course. But I got to wonder who I am trying to prove things to. In the end, I felt that it was better for me to focus on what I need to study, rather then continue to go over things that I have been going over for the past decade. (I’m not really expressing myself clearly here…)
Leaving Delphi was harder. I have come to really care about everyone who is part of Delphi. Yet I was feeling like there was something else I needed to be doing, that I was being called down a slightly different path. But, I stayed with Delphi because I felt I owed it to everyone involved. This week it got to the point where I had this really heavy feeling that I knew wasn’t going to go away until I made a commitment to follow this new path. And, although I am sad to have left Delphi (or at least go on an extended leave), I feel much lighter for having made a new commitment. I’m still not exactly sure where it will take me, but I am excited to be exploring it.
I’m expecting a couple of new pieces for my altar this week. (A week late thanks to a snafu with CanPar. Why do delivery companies seem to have such trouble with buzzers?!) I also hope to be able to pick up two statues soon, too. These are concrete steps, which are helping me figure out what this new path is. It is like certain things are calling to me, or maybe more like I am finally listening.
I know I sound a little funny. I mean, I never really believed that people were called to do certain things. But, I think part of my problems with self-confidence and feeling silly have come from not listening to these callings. Wow, it is hard to share this, especially since I know quanta reads Reflections. But, I am starting to not worry so much about what everyone thinks, even though that is really hard.
I'm a mom, wife, needleworker, knitter, wannabe writer, and most of all a spiritual seeker. I'm not sure yet what I believe, but I sure as heck know what I don't believe.
Come join us at my message board – The Midnight Garden – http://www.refoojeez.com/jeez/index.php?action=8&webtag=tmg – It’s a completely free service. The Cauldron also moved off Delphi. They’re now at http://www.ecauldron.net – on their own server. 😀
You said: “But, I think part of my problems with self-confidence and feeling silly have come from not listening to these callings.”
Oh my gosh yes. Congratulations. You’re on the way. Who knows why, but this most important source of information is one we’re taught to ignore. Maybe because humans would be radically alive if we listened, and acted on, whatever you want to call it — inner voice, promptings, callings.
When I was coming to grips with this (and I guess I still am; maybe I should say when I was becoming aware of this in my life), I read and held onto this quote from China Galland (Longing for Darkness):
“My enemy is my own way of ignoring the authority of my own experience.”
Somehow, these two (listening to inner promptings and valuing the authority of one’s own experience) are intricately connected.