I have trouble with focus. In univerisity I was prefectly capable of focusing on the task at hand. I could look at everything I had to accomplish, create a to do list, and focus on the tasks at hand. My days had structure, mostly because it was the only way to get everything done.

Somewhere along the line I have lost my ability to focus. Perhaps it started in my last year of unversity. I chose to be a full-time student even though I only needed one more class to graduate. I knew I wasn’t ready to move on, but I didn’t work as hard as I was capable of. I coasted. I played video games, I read books, I goofed around. (No drinking binges and parties for me though.)

After university I moved in with my boyfriend (now fiance). It took me a little while to find a job, having moved to a new city and all. When I moved in with him, I didn’t take a lot of my things. I’m a book collector. I love to read and study, and I take comfort from my books. (I went to the library on September 11, 2001. It made me feel a little better.) I was at a bit of lose ends without my books. I passed the time by playing computer games, doing crafts and watching a lot of TV.

We’ve been in our new place a little over a year ago. Now I have all my books and things, and this place really feels like our home. (The city… well, that’s another story.) But those couple of years of drifting really caught up with me. I find that I can’t focus on anything for any lenght of time. There is so much I want to do and so much I want to learn that I find myself being stretched to thin.

What’s this got to do with spirituality? Well, can you be spiritual and still not have a clear path? Do you need to have a focus? For example, does one need to say “I will study Qabalah and Tarot only, and until I am comfortable with them I will studying nothing else”? Or can you pick and choose, jumping all over? Or should there be a method to your madness, studying one or two topics that appeal to you, and gently dipping a toe into another topic when it complements your main studies? And how the heck to you determine what your main studies should be? ~)

I don’t think this entry really cleared anything up for me. It’s just given me one more thing to think about.