I wrote the following yesterday while on the subway:
Should I put down the title of Wiccan and take up the title of Pagan? I feel like I am searching for something more then the tame, sedate Wicca that I have been finding and practicing. I need something more primal, more visceral. I need to feel that I am a devotee of the God and Goddess. I need to see Their faces. Wicca, as I was practicing it, didn’t give me that. I need to dance with the Gods, to feel more alive.
I know that I am Wiccan because the framework, the ethics, everything feels right and makes sense. I just need a little more life in my personal practice, a little more wildness.
In my personal journal earlier that day I wrote:
If I question my faith does that mean I have none? Can I be a member of a religion and still question it?
I think these thoughts were inspired by more then a little pre-birthday angst. I have this bad habit of always questioning everything I think and do, spending far to much time in the past over-examining everything. Today I feel much better. So I’m 27, big deal. The time to have children is running out (due to health concerns, I want to have a child before 30), but my life is far from over. I am more independent now, and much more comfortable acting on my ideas and ideals. I think that maybe I am finding this freedom a little overwhelming, and that this is leading to my difficulty in finding a focus.
So, what’s this go to do with my religious questions yesterday? Well, I answered my questions for myself today, and I feel very good about the results. If only I was so darn tired, I would get to work on a new project.
I'm a mom, wife, needleworker, knitter, wannabe writer, and most of all a spiritual seeker. I'm not sure yet what I believe, but I sure as heck know what I don't believe.
I think that questioning is an important adjunct to faith. Too many people spend so much time trying to not question their faith that they stagnate. If the faith is not strong enough to sustain questions, then perhaps it is not the faith for you. Suffice it to say, I have many moments where I question my faith. That’s the reason, I feel, that it is strong. The times when my faith was low, I was unable to question, because I knew it would fall down.
As for wildness, is that so much a failure of Wicca? Not that labelling oneself as Pagan is bad, but if you truly feel that everything feels right and makes sense in Wicca, then feel free to explore to add to it! There’s nothing that says you can’t go out and howl at the moon if you want (although, that can be a little risky in the big city :P). I don’t think that is against the creeds and ideals of Wicca. If what you felt you were missing was against those creeds, then by all means, find something that fits you. But I don’t feel that’s the case in this instance. After all, if it harms no one else, one may do it freely. 🙂
27 is not so terrible (she says from experience). Now, when I turn 28 this July, I hope to still feel the same way. 🙂 Hopefully it’ll be a good and productive year for you.