Confused Spiritual Seeker

“Reflections on life from a somewhat confused spiritual seeker” reads the description of my blog. My title on Aeclectic Tarot Forum is “spiritual seeker.” Why? I am certain that I am Pagan, my own reformed Eclectic branch of Wicca to be exact. I suppose I’ve taken on this title of confused spiritual seeker because I am still trying to find a way to blend the religion of my childhood with Wicca.

I was raised Presbyterian. Although neither of my parents were particularly avid church goers, my maternal grandfather the elder of our church and encouraged by attendance. I loved Sunday School because of all the wonderful stories, but that is all they ever were to me. I knew from a pretty early age that something was missing from my religious upbringing, and I often thought that maybe God was actually a woman. (It was a thought that I kept to myself due to my grandfather’s strict beliefs.)

I was around fourteen or fifteen when I finally declared myself a Wiccan, an event proceeded by a lot of research into many different religions. Now that I’m 28-years old, I realize that I have been Wiccan for more then half my life, longer then I was Christian. (Or, at least longer than I was aware I was Christian, since I have no memory of my Christening or attending church before I was about five years old.) I think it is odd that I have belonged to my current religion for the majority of my life, but I am still trying to integrate my old religion. Maybe it is an attempt to please my late grandfather, I just don’t know.

Lately I am having the most trouble trying to integrate the Kabalah and the Tarot. The Kabalah is a Jewish mystical system that is also used by Christian magicians and other Christian mystery systems. I took about a year’s worth of lessons from BOTA, which draw on Christian mysticism, but stopped when I found the Christian symbolism to be too much. I am fairly certain that I’m not running away from this symbolism because I am trying to get away from Christianity. I think that I am well beyond such juvenile actions with regards to my spiritual path, and I do recognize and appreciate a great deal of what Christianity has to offer me. But, I think I am finally coming to understand that my religious path goes in another direction, and I am holding myself back by trying to force myself to fit these systems into my current practices.


2 Responses

  1. Kassie says:

    I’m glad i stumbled upon your blog. You website, the lotus pond was, thankfully, one of the first I seriously read and refrenced in discussions on-line, when I started looking into pagansim. I can not yet call myself a pagan but I am grateful for the lessons I have learned under it’s banner. You have a very clear way of putting down your thoughts on pagan/wiccan spirituality and for that I am grateful, becuase you are a sound, reasonable voice in a very unreasonable subject. Thank you.

  2. Peter Shaw says:

    Hi there…your post was very intersting to read and comes across quite sincerely. For additional research on your push/pull struggle I would ask you to read my post labeled: God Uses A Fortune Teller.

    Respectfully Submitted