No Resolution But to Find Myself

It is more than halfway through January, and I still haven’t come up with any concrete New Year’s resolutions. I guess at this point it is a little late. My one real goal, to lose weight, is off to a bad start too. And, really, all of this makes me more than a little sad.

I’ve been thinking that I’m having trouble coming up with resolutions because I don’t know what I want or what I want to become.  So, my plan for 2011 is to explore what I want to do and what I don’t want to do.

As the mother of a toddler, there are a lot of things I have to do. I have no choice but to look after my son as best I can. I need to care for him and try to teach him all those useful things he needs to know before he goes to school. (He is a stubborn little guy though, and we are at an impasse with regards to potty training.) He takes up a lot of my time, and a lot of my mental energy. Really, being a mom is a lot more work that I ever thought it would be, and I didn’t think I was under any illusions.

With the little time I have left to myself, I need to work on fitting in some self exploration among the dishes, laundry, research work and crafting. Who am I now that I am not just me? What do I want out of life? What goals do I want to achieve? Do I still feel the call to be a writer? Is it more or less important than spending my time knitting or cross stitching (both of which I love a great deal)? What do I really feel about my weight? About my shyness? About how and where we live? Are there things I am doing because I think I should? What should I stop doing because it doesn’t bring me joy? What should I start doing?

All of these questions need to be answered for me to find peace with myself.