The Pain of Friendliness

I’ve vowed to do some very honest self-examination this year, and it has already lead me to one big realization. I’m a very needy person. I suppose this seems a little odd, given how very shy and private I am. But there is this part of me that really needs to be loved, paid attention too, and respected.

Okay, I know all of us are like that. I’m not a special snowflake. But, you see, because I am so shy and private, I don’t really have friends. Yes, there are people I know whom I like and who I see occasionally. I’ve even gone out to lunch with one lady twice this year (OMG!!), but I don’t have a close friend I can call up to chat with, or someone to spend the day lunching and shopping with, or anything like that. (And this isn’t to say that I wouldn’t love to become good friends with some of those people.)

I am very lucky that I have a husband who is my best friend. We share enough interests, so we nearly always have something to talk about. But he doesn’t knit or cross stitch, or any of that sort of thing. But he tries really hard. 🙂

Anyway, I got to thinking why I don’t have a close friend, and I think I figured it out. There is that whole incredibly shy thing, which makes it very difficult for me to reach out to people. I’m paralyzed by my fear of being rejected. And, I think I am just too needy. I cling to anything that seems like a gesture of friendship, and I am crushed when nothing comes of it. And this, sadly, leads me to avoid trying to form any sort of real, deep friendship. Vicious circle.

So, what do I do? Normal people get out there and sometimes get their heart broke. But, I think I am mostly happy staying quiet and private. Maybe one day I’ll risk the hurt, but right now I’d rather work on not getting so caught up in friendly gestures that don’t turn out to be anything.