18 May 04

Tarot Shoulds

My Tarot studies are in a bit of a slump right now. I think it is partly due to some of those shoulds that I wrote about yesterday. I feel that I should use Tarot for something more then “simple fortunetelling”, like say for meditation or self-discovery or something. And I feel that I should study both the Marseilles Tarot (which I can’t stand!) and the Thoth Tarot (which just doesn’t do anything for me) to get a fuller understanding of all the Tarot traditions.

When I first got started with Tarot, I was passionate about it. I read for anyone and everyone. I even remember reading an entire afternoon for my grade seven (or maybe eight) class. I can’t remember why we had the afternoon free, but I do remember some the readings I gave. One girl asked about her grandmother and another wanted a yearly forecast. I later got wonderful feedback from them telling me that my readings were very accurate. I studied Tarot quite diligently, but I always focused on the fortunetelling aspects, and just a tiny bit on the Kabalah. I didn’t worry about the magickal correspondences, or the higher esoteric meanings of the cards. They spoke to me and I listened.

Although I still enjoy Tarot, I find that I am much less passionate about it npw. I am becoming bogged down in all the things I used to disregard. Tarot is no longer a joy, it is a chore. And I don’t think that Tarot is the problem. It is me. I’ve become too much of a perfectionist. I want everything to be right and I want to know everything. I need to realize that I can’t know everything, and I don’t need too. I can read the cards just as well without knowing what every little thing on each card, in each of my twelve decks, is supposed to symbolize. I know this, I just wish I could believe it.

I really want to bring some of the magic back into my studies, some of the tingly feeling I get when studying the unknown.

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15 May 04

Spirituality and Politics

Here is an interesting news story about teens asking for the right to vote earlier: CBC News: Court rejects teens’ appeal to lower voting age

I will admit to not voting all that often. When I lived at home I think I only voted once, in a federal election. In my riding, Hamilton East, both the Federal and Provincial seats where sewn up. Voting for anyone else was just throwing that vote away (sort of like a vote for Nader). When we moved to London, I did vote in the Provincial election, mostly because I got a chance to talk to the candidate I was interested in. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t have voted since I didn’t know the issues well enough. I did not vote in the civic election because I didn’t understand the issues.

Now Canada looks like it is getting ready for another Federal election. (They sneak up on us here, unlike down there in the States. You all seem to relish in the build up, we like them over with quick.) This time I think I will vote, although I honestly know only a little bit about the issues in my community. I don’t even know what riding I am currently part of. (A little bit of research shows that I am part of Parkdale-High Park.)

What’s this got to do with the original news story I linked to? Well, I think it is excellent that younger teens want to vote, but I think that we all, include us older voters, need a little more education and perhaps a little more choice. Voter turnout in Canada is pathetically low, mostly because we don’t feel truly heard by our politicians. CBC is trying a bit of reverse psychology in hopes of starting a discussion and getting people out to vote: Screw the Vote. Quite honestly, I was a little embarrassed by some of the statements, like “I don’t vote because I’m an idiot who is willing to step back and let bad government happen.” You can bet I will be voting in the upcoming election.

As for why I’m throwing a bit of politics into a spiritual blog, I think one’s spirituality should also encompass mundane issues. For me, being spiritual and knowing myself means taking responsibility for everything that I have the power to influence. If I am not voting, then I am not taking that responsibility; I am holding back my spiritual growth. I’m not going to turn into a politico over this, but I am going to pay more attention to what’s going on.

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14 May 04

Old Deck, New Deck

Today I made a deal to trade away the last of my Tarot decks that I don’t get along with–The Osho Zen Tarot. I really wanted to like this deck. I bought it after reading a great deal about it on Aeclectic Tarot Forum. Many of the members there seemed to really love this deck, saying it was excellent for personal, spiritual readings. And, when I first got it, I did find the readings to be quite good. But… the more I worked with it the less I liked it. The messages just didn’t seem right; they didn’t fit with my world view.

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10 May 04

Question of Faith

I wrote the following yesterday while on the subway:

Should I put down the title of Wiccan and take up the title of Pagan? I feel like I am searching for something more then the tame, sedate Wicca that I have been finding and practicing. I need something more primal, more visceral. I need to feel that I am a devotee of the God and Goddess. I need to see Their faces. Wicca, as I was practicing it, didn’t give me that. I need to dance with the Gods, to feel more alive.

I know that I am Wiccan because the framework, the ethics, everything feels right and makes sense. I just need a little more life in my personal practice, a little more wildness.

In my personal journal earlier that day I wrote:

If I question my faith does that mean I have none? Can I be a member of a religion and still question it?

I think these thoughts were inspired by more then a little pre-birthday angst. I have this bad habit of always questioning everything I think and do, spending far to much time in the past over-examining everything. Today I feel much better. So I’m 27, big deal. The time to have children is running out (due to health concerns, I want to have a child before 30), but my life is far from over. I am more independent now, and much more comfortable acting on my ideas and ideals. I think that maybe I am finding this freedom a little overwhelming, and that this is leading to my difficulty in finding a focus.

So, what’s this go to do with my religious questions yesterday? Well, I answered my questions for myself today, and I feel very good about the results. If only I was so darn tired, I would get to work on a new project.

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5 May 04

A Little Respect

Sometimes the online Pagan community drives me nuts. I will honestly admit to being a bit of a loner. I don’t generally join groups, but when I do I try my best to get along. It is in my nature to be a people-pleaser and a smoother-of-ways. Anyway, I’ve been poking around the online community lately, looking for new blogs to read and a forum or two to join. I like to lurk for a long time before I make the jump of becoming a member and getting involved in discussions.

So, I come across a forum that looks like it has potential. It is one related to Ancient Egyptian religion, etc. There are some good posts about the usefulness of texts written by Budge, info on various gods, etc. All pretty good. But, I soon come across some posts slamming some pretty well known Pagan writers, a few of which I have a great deal of respect for. Now, clearly voicing one’s opinion doesn’t bother me, but outright name calling and ad hominem attacks piss me off. Especially when the author is dead and can not defend himself, and when any voice raised in objection is roundly discounted and also called names.

Sure, there are some authors out there who write junk or are out to make a buck. But there are some excellent authors who writer beginners books. Some of those books are excellent for beginners. They may not get into heavy theology, discuss the Great Rite or the Dark Goddess, but they are still great. Beginners don’t know everything, and to throw it all at them at once would be doing them a disservice. I think that it takes guts and skill to write a good beginners book, to be able to judge what information they need to know and how to present so as to not overwhelm them. When someone with a decade or more of experience looks back on them, the books may not seem that great. And that is fair. Talk about the weakness of the book, and maybe write your own beginners book. But don’t resort to name calling.

Oh yeah, I think calling beginners “newbies” isn’t very nice either. It strikes me as a very derogatory term. Would you like it applied to you, or would you rather a term that is a little kinder and shows a little more understand on the part of your more advanced co-religionists?

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1 May 04

Thank You!!

I just wanted to say Thank You! to everyone who left Beltane greetings for me. Today has turned out to be super busy and I’m heading out of town tomorrow, so I haven’t had a chance to go around and leave my own. You all have really lifted my spirits. 🙂 Thank you! :love:

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1 May 04

Quiet Beltane

Happy Beltane to everyone of the Pagan persuasion, and Happy May to those of you who are not. May is my favourite month. I’m not sure if it is because of my birthday (which I am becoming less fond of), or because the trees finally come into leaf, or because I can wear sandals! 🙂

Quite frankly, I’m not really in a Beltane celebrating sort of mood today. My PMS has turned me into a raging beast this month, and I am having a horrible time controlling it. So, I’m going to try to make today a quiet one. If it doesn’t rain, I hope to walk over to the park and enjoy the outside for a little while. If it does rain, then I am happy to stay inside and spend some time alone meditating on some things.

Today is supposed to be a day to celebrate the marriage of the Lord and Lady, and to celebrate the fertility of the earth. And really, I think that can be done with a huge party and drinking. Actually, Pagans drinking makes me pretty uncomfortable.

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29 Apr 04

Changes

I did something pretty tough yesterday–I left both Delphi and CFFN. Truthfully, leaving CFFN wasn’t that difficult. While I have learned a good deal and still feel it is an excellent course, I felt that it was really lacking something for me. The only reason I was sticking it out was because I felt that I should. I felt that I needed the proof that I know what I know, which would come from finishing this course. But I got to wonder who I am trying to prove things to. In the end, I felt that it was better for me to focus on what I need to study, rather then continue to go over things that I have been going over for the past decade. (I’m not really expressing myself clearly here…)

Leaving Delphi was harder. I have come to really care about everyone who is part of Delphi. Yet I was feeling like there was something else I needed to be doing, that I was being called down a slightly different path. But, I stayed with Delphi because I felt I owed it to everyone involved. This week it got to the point where I had this really heavy feeling that I knew wasn’t going to go away until I made a commitment to follow this new path. And, although I am sad to have left Delphi (or at least go on an extended leave), I feel much lighter for having made a new commitment. I’m still not exactly sure where it will take me, but I am excited to be exploring it.

I’m expecting a couple of new pieces for my altar this week. (A week late thanks to a snafu with CanPar. Why do delivery companies seem to have such trouble with buzzers?!) I also hope to be able to pick up two statues soon, too. These are concrete steps, which are helping me figure out what this new path is. It is like certain things are calling to me, or maybe more like I am finally listening.

I know I sound a little funny. I mean, I never really believed that people were called to do certain things. But, I think part of my problems with self-confidence and feeling silly have come from not listening to these callings. Wow, it is hard to share this, especially since I know quanta reads Reflections. But, I am starting to not worry so much about what everyone thinks, even though that is really hard.

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27 Apr 04

Always with the Writing

I’ve had a busy day today–laundry, writing, reading, and eating. It’s getting nearer to “that time of the month” (yes, TMI) and I am starving, as I usually am around now. I wish I knew why. It is actually pretty annoying.

A good portion of my day has been spent typing up some new articles for The Lotus Pond. Generally I write them all by hand, usually on the sofa at night while watching TV, and then type them up the next day. I’ve been especially prolific lately, and hadn’t gotten around to typing everything up. And there is still a backlog of about another seven articles to be typed and polished. A few times today I got frustrated. I mean, why I am I doing this? No one reads them, and I’m not getting paid. But, in an attempt to avoid typing for a short while, I looked at my server log for today and saw that someone spend an hour on my site and visited 47 different pages. Maybe someone does read. 🙂 And really, if I didn’t write all this stuff down, I think my head would explode!

I also have a 5,000 word essay on Wiccan myths to write for my CFFN lesson. I’m still up in the air about whether I want to stick with CFFN. One friend made the argument that it is easier to be taken seriously when one has gone through some sort of training, and CFFN is certainly thorough. But, it isn’t really focusing on things that I am interested in. I am pretty well versed in Wiccan history (both mythical and real), the Sabbats, the use of ritual tools, etc. I guess I’m just looking for something more. And I’m not really sure if it matters to me whether I have some sort of “officially” recognized degree or what-have-you. (I am doing the WitchSchool course too, but I’m even less impressed with it.) I’m pretty solitary. I do try to reach out to people through my site, but I think my work is evidence of my experience. I don’t really know though. I guess I’ve still got a few days left to make up my mind, before the lesson is due.

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26 Apr 04

Heqet

Adopt-a-Deity is new project of Delphi Coven, one of the online groups that I am a part of. The idea is to research a deity that you are unfamiliar with and present your findings to the group so that everyone can learn a little bit about a new god or goddess. Since I am totally enamored with the Egyptian pantheon, I chose an Egyptian goddess. My A-a-D piece is below.

Heqet (also Heqtit, Heket, Hekat) is the Egyptian frog-headed goddess of childbirth. To Ancient Egyptians, who at certain times of the year witnessed thousands of frogs along the banks of the Nile, the frog came to represent fruitfulness and fertility.

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