Kensho Godchaser has done it again. It seems there is always a posting over there that talks directly to me. Today’s is This Day Our Daily Goddess, which is full of suggestions for connecting with the Goddess everyday, not just once or twice a month.

In a similar vein, I recently read Dianne Sylvan’s The Circle Within: Creating a Wiccan Spiritual Tradition, an excellent book about creating a daily spiritual practice. This is something I would dearly love to do, and about which I have been thinking about more and more. But… (and there is always a but) I keep putting it off. After the winter holidays, I said, when things are back to normal. Then I found out we were moving to TO. Now I say after we have moved and are settled in. I will probably find another excuse then. So why don’t I start now? Well… I’m embarrassed. quanta came into the bedroom one time while I was meditating, and I felt so silly. I’d feel even sillier doing it everyday, maybe several times a day. And I’d also be embarrassed if he knew I read devotional poems to the Lord and Lady, or said daily prayers to Them. I am a horribly shy person. I won’t even exercise if quanta is home. Anything that is even remotely self-improvement oriented I want to keep totally to myself. So, instead of connecting with my deities, I’m worried about what someone else will think. It is pretty dumb, since I know quanta would be happy if I found a little more peace within myself.

So what am I going to do? I just don’t know.

I’ve had a sort of epiphany today. I’ve sort of been working on two tracks lately (well, actually more, but only these two apply here). First, like everyone, I’m working to know myself better. It is sort of the whole simple abundance, authenticity sort of thing. I haven’t been particularly successful, but I’m making headway. The second track is studying Crowley, the Thoth Tarot, and the Qabalah. It is a little bit heavy, and I don’t really understand everything, but things are starting to fall into place.

Well, this morning as I am reading Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by Sarah Ban Breathnach, it hit me! All these self-help books, all these movements towards simplifying our lives and discovering who we are, I know what they are. They are an attempt to discover our Thelema, our Will. Not in the way Crowley did, but in a way that is easier for everyday people, people who are not students of the occult or Western Mystery Traditions, to understand. But the purpose is the same, to know your Will, and to act on it. These books tell you to examine why you have the things you do and why you want the things you want. Isn’t that just a way to know your Will?

This is a pretty big breakthrough for me, even that the connection might seem obvious to others. Just coming to grips with the fact that Crowley was right is enough to turn my world on its ear!

I think to be a really spiritual person that one needs to engage in a certain amount of self-discovery. But when does it turn from healthily introspection to unhealthy navel gazing? A myriad of books are dedicated to helping the reader discover their true selves, their full potential, and their true calling. But while we are sitting in our living room reading these books, how much are we really doing?

I also wonder about the methods presented in these books. Sure, they may have worked for the author, but who is to say they will work for us. I think the method one uses for self-discovery is a form of personal gnosis. You can try to share it, but it probably won’t give anyone else the same results you got from it. I’m not saying that reading these books won’t help you. I have more then a couple on my own bookshelf (many of which will soon be donated to my local public library). But, don’t look in them for answers. Rather, look in them for ideas on how to find your own path.

Not to long ago, I watched all fourteen episode of Dead Like Me in the span of a couple of days. (For those who don’t know what Dead Like Me is, it is a show about a girl who dies and becomes a reaper. It’s great black humour.) I really enjoyed the show. The episodes were funny, but they were also touching. And they made me think… mostly about death.

I have always been a little afraid of death. My maternal grandmother died when I was three. When I was nine, my friend Andrew Warburton got lost in the woods while on vacation and died. My dog Spike got run over when I was about ten. My paternal grandfather died what I was about thirteen, followed by my maternal grandfather when I was fifteen. My paternal grandmother lived only another year. In recent years, my mom’s best friend, Joyce, and my dog Max have also passed away. I was never one of those teenagers that thinks they will live forever. I knew at an early age that people died. It has never really scared me, until recently.

When I was younger, I assumed God took care of everyone that died. That made it much easier to deal with death. As I got older and started to search for a religion that met my needs, I began to believe in reincarnation. It was really comforting to think I would see my friends and loved ones in another life. But now, I’m not sure what to believe. I want to believe there is something more, but I don’t think I am capable of that right now. And if in the end there is nothing, then why are we here to begin with? What is the point of learning, improving ourselves, all the things we do everyday? I know some of the answers to those questions, but not all of them. I think that is okay though, because I think finding those answers is why we are here. I just hope with all my being that there is something beyond this life.

I had an interesting conversation with an online friend this weekend. He said, more or less, that I intimidated him because I seemed so deep and spiritual. Boy was I shocked. Those are not two worlds I would use to describe myself.

Spiritual people, to me, don’t get bogged down in daily life like I do. I see them as being above all those little daily disappointments. Spiritual people are also able to make their desires and goals come true, or at least develop and implement plans that will lead the fulfillment of those goals. I would like to be able to do that, but I can’t. I couldn’t even finish my NaNo novel last month. (There are few words to describe how disappointed I was. But I just wasn’t able to overcome the wall I hit.)

I don’t think I am a spiritual person. I am a person trying to find my spirituality, trying to become a better person. I don’t know what that means yet. But, I think the journey to find out is something that will make me a stronger person.

I’ve always wished I was really good at something. I guess everyone has. I just can’t figure out what it is that I want to be good at, or that I can be good at. On some level, I’d like my skill to be something I can use to make money. I think it is reasonable to want to be able to support myself with a talent… that, or wishful thinking. But, on the other hand, I’d like it to be something neat, like being really good at Flight Sim, or reading Tarot cards exceptionally well, or something like that.

The things that I am good at right now, cross stitch and cooking, aren’t going to get me far. I don’t have an artistic touch that enables me to design cross stitch patterns, but I’m really good at following someone else’s. 🙂 And I’m a good cook, but I’m not restaurant quality. And my other interests, Wicca, spirituality, ethics, Tarot, etc., aren’t things I see as being usefully outside my own spiritual journey. Sure, I like learning about these things, but they aren’t skills I can put on a resume. Would some of my time be better spent doing some programming so my skills don’t get rusty? I don’t know… but I’m thinking that maybe happiness and the spiritual journey is more important then money. I don’t think our Western world values the spiritual journey, which makes it all the more difficult.