Not surprisingly, I’m a bit behind when it comes to the exercises with the Gaian Tarot and the online community. When you have a toddler, life isn’t always what you’d like it to be. And, yeah, that is a bit of an excuse, but it is also true.

Anyway, today I am having a bit of a hard time with the Seeker. I believe in my last post I mentioned that life is a bit uncertain around here. Okay, in all honesty, life is generally always uncertain. But we are waiting for more information and someone else to make up their mind before we make a big decision. A really big decision. And part of the problem is that some people are trying to talk us out of it, some people think it is a great idea, and, well, I just want us to decide one way or the other.

This brings me to the Seeker. She has decided. She is setting off on her journey and heading out into the unknown. I don’t know if she is as afraid as I am, or if she is as excited as I am. What I do know is that I want to be her. I want to take this chance, even if it turns out to suck. I still want to try.

But that leaves me thinking about how I will feel if it doesn’t happen. How can I still accomplish the things I want to accomplish, and what can I do instead?

Right now, though, I’m stuck in this unknowing limbo, unable to do much of anything other than envy the Seeker.

I recently joined the Gaian Tarot Circle, an online community for Joanne Powell-Colbert’s wonderful Gaian Tarot deck. And, although I have hardly dived into it, I already have this feeling of community. I know all the people there love this deck at least as much as I do, and that they are all intent on learning more about the cards and themselves.

Part of the Gaian Tarot Circle is dedicated to a monthly study of one of the cards. And, as befits a new community, the first card is The Seeker. (You can see it here.) In working through the questions for week 1, I came to realize that my emotional response to this card includes fear and trepidation. These aren’t feelings that I have ever had with the Fool card, and in some ways make no sense. The Seeker is a lovely card with a verdant valley and meandering stream. There are swallows in the calm sky and the feeling of a gentle breeze blowing softly across my skin. And yet I feel fear. (As an aside, when I first wrote this out, I typed “free” instead of “fear”. Very interesting, n’est-ce pas?)

The journey through that valley looks like it will take a very long time, and I don’t see any signs of human life. Who will be my companions? Where will I rest? Where can I take shelter if there is a storm? Is the companionship of the fox, a trickster and shape-shifter, enough to sustain me? Is he even meant to be my companion?

I am sure that these unusual feelings conjured by this card are just a reflection of my life right now. It is unsettled due to work questions, mothering a toddler, and continually putting off my dreams (until my contract is up, until Baby Man is older, until we know what we are doing, until I feel better, until I catch up on some sleep, until, until, until).

One of the ladies in the Circle posted a wonderful passage to the forum. It is from Scottish mountaineer William Hutchinson Murray:

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

And that, gentle Readers, is what I need to do. I must commit to something and allow the world and myself to get on with the work. But there also lies my fear.

May 25th is World Tarot Day, a celebration of that wonderful wicked pack of cards.

For some fun and games, check out the Church of Tarot. Also be sure to checkout WorldTarotDay on Twitter for more events and information.

There is something about the images on Tarot cards that enchants me.  It doesn’t matter which deck, the images still call to me, daring me to discover their secrets, and my own. Every time I look at a deck, I learn something new.

Today, I was thinking about The Chariot and Strength. I feel that a corner is turned as we move from card 7 to card 8 (which I always see as Strength).  Take a look at the images on most RWS-based decks and their meanings to see what I mean. In the Chariot we have control of our emotions and the world around us, just as the charioteer has control over his steeds. Some decks show a struggle, but they are ultimately about control.

On the Strength card we see a woman sitting with a lion on her lap. It seems a calm card, but what if we were to see ourselves as the lion and not the woman. It is a card about will power and force, and how we need to learn control over what is fierce and wild, including ourselves. In the Chariot we had a taste of that control, but in Strength it is taken to a new level. And if we can’t exercise control, like the woman, we may find ourselves controlled like the lion. Once we have learned about this control, about the strength of our will, the path of The Hermit calls and offers us a chance to absorb what we have learned.