I feel like I’ve spent the last few days wallowing in self-pity, even though there isn’t really anything wrong with my life. My biggest problems are the little man’s potential allergy to peanuts (testing will be done later this month), living in a nice condo instead of a house, and feeling creatively barren. Boo hoo me. And all of this leads me to feeling even worse about feeling bad. Dumb.

All of this shameless navel gazing has lead me to think about what I’m going to be able to do/need to do with my life when the little man starts school in September 2012 (he’s a January baby, so we have to wait a whole year before he can start). After what will be more than four and a half years of defining myself as his mom, I think I’m going to be at a bit of a loss. I don’t want that to  happen. As a first step, I’m taking a bit of a personal retreat sometime in the next couple of months. A few nights, alone, at a downtown hotel to think, and read, and knit, and write. I’m giving up going to a stitching retreat to do this, but I think this is a good first step in what I’m not really sure. Maybe to find myself, or to find a way to re-engage with my life as it is, and to figure out how to shape it and me for a happier and more fulfilled future.

I’ve vowed to do some very honest self-examination this year, and it has already lead me to one big realization. I’m a very needy person. I suppose this seems a little odd, given how very shy and private I am. But there is this part of me that really needs to be loved, paid attention too, and respected.

Okay, I know all of us are like that. I’m not a special snowflake. But, you see, because I am so shy and private, I don’t really have friends. Yes, there are people I know whom I like and who I see occasionally. I’ve even gone out to lunch with one lady twice this year (OMG!!), but I don’t have a close friend I can call up to chat with, or someone to spend the day lunching and shopping with, or anything like that. (And this isn’t to say that I wouldn’t love to become good friends with some of those people.)

I am very lucky that I have a husband who is my best friend. We share enough interests, so we nearly always have something to talk about. But he doesn’t knit or cross stitch, or any of that sort of thing. But he tries really hard. 🙂

Anyway, I got to thinking why I don’t have a close friend, and I think I figured it out. There is that whole incredibly shy thing, which makes it very difficult for me to reach out to people. I’m paralyzed by my fear of being rejected. And, I think I am just too needy. I cling to anything that seems like a gesture of friendship, and I am crushed when nothing comes of it. And this, sadly, leads me to avoid trying to form any sort of real, deep friendship. Vicious circle.

So, what do I do? Normal people get out there and sometimes get their heart broke. But, I think I am mostly happy staying quiet and private. Maybe one day I’ll risk the hurt, but right now I’d rather work on not getting so caught up in friendly gestures that don’t turn out to be anything.

It is more than halfway through January, and I still haven’t come up with any concrete New Year’s resolutions. I guess at this point it is a little late. My one real goal, to lose weight, is off to a bad start too. And, really, all of this makes me more than a little sad.

I’ve been thinking that I’m having trouble coming up with resolutions because I don’t know what I want or what I want to become.  So, my plan for 2011 is to explore what I want to do and what I don’t want to do.

As the mother of a toddler, there are a lot of things I have to do. I have no choice but to look after my son as best I can. I need to care for him and try to teach him all those useful things he needs to know before he goes to school. (He is a stubborn little guy though, and we are at an impasse with regards to potty training.) He takes up a lot of my time, and a lot of my mental energy. Really, being a mom is a lot more work that I ever thought it would be, and I didn’t think I was under any illusions.

With the little time I have left to myself, I need to work on fitting in some self exploration among the dishes, laundry, research work and crafting. Who am I now that I am not just me? What do I want out of life? What goals do I want to achieve? Do I still feel the call to be a writer? Is it more or less important than spending my time knitting or cross stitching (both of which I love a great deal)? What do I really feel about my weight? About my shyness? About how and where we live? Are there things I am doing because I think I should? What should I stop doing because it doesn’t bring me joy? What should I start doing?

All of these questions need to be answered for me to find peace with myself.